


In the Land of Gods and Monsters

by saturninesunshine



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Lilly Lives, and goes off from there, btw so sorry it's so long, but takes off from after season one if lilly had still lived if that makes sense, idk - Freeform, post series kind of, spoiler alert it's veronica and logan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 03:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1412803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturninesunshine/pseuds/saturninesunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I know you’re in love with her.” Years after Logan and Lilly break up and the Aaron Echolls tapes come out, a drunken meeting in Italy causes a revelation. Logan goes to save Lilly only to realize who he's been pining for all along. “She’s a far cry from the doe-eyed, innocent sheriff’s daughter now. Right? But not as bad as me. She’s someone you could really love.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Land of Gods and Monsters

**Author's Note:**

> This is way longer than I originally thought it would be (story of my life.) This was inspired by a simple Lilly/Logan idea that sort of spiraled out of control and spawned this whole thing. Basically the core four is together, but altered through tragedy (that was not Lilly's death.) Definitely the darkest thing that I have written for this fandom. Having a dialogue about Veronica's rape is a difficult subject and I just hope I did it justice. This originally was crazily out of chronological order. But there came a point where it actually started even confusing me. So this is mostly in sequential order, but has some exceptions. Just be warned.

_Put your hands on my waist, do it softly_  
 _Me and God don't get along so now I sing_  
 _No one’s gonna take my soul away_  
 _I’m living like Jim Morrison  
_ _Headed towards a fucked up holiday_

_-Lana del Rey_

 

When Logan dreamed, it wasn’t of himself. This by itself would be out of the ordinary. But then again, it wasn’t strange that he dreamed of Veronica Mars. It wasn’t the first time and he knew for sure that it wouldn’t be the last.

What was strange was that in the middle of the night, Logan dreamed about a high school party that happened almost five years ago – a party that he had ditched out on. In the three days that passed since Veronica Mars had called him in the middle of the night with an edge to her voice all the way in San Jose, Logan dreamed of the night of Shelley Pomroy’s end of the year party sophomore year.

And he could dream of nothing else.

When the shrill ring of his phone cut through this night’s rendition of Veronica alone and trapped in a guest room, he was relieved –

Until he saw the unfamiliar number, which all but guaranteed it was Lilly Kane on the other end of the line.

_“You need to come and get me.”_

Logan’s head was still swimming and for a moment, he couldn’t even picture her face. The last time he had seen her was last Christmas when she crashed his party with Veronica in tow.

And still, all he could see was the petite blonde with scathing eyes and an even sharper tongue. Things had changed since he left Lilly for good.

He struggled. “What?”

_“Logan, are you listening?”_

Ah, there it was. He could practically see Lilly’s pouty lips and demanding demeanor. This wasn’t a polite little request. Lilly had no doubt in her mind that he was coming to get her.

“Who’s phone are you calling from?” Logan asked, still sluggish.

“ _Would you let me talk for like five seconds?”_ Her voice cracked through the speaker and he was sure that she was nowhere stateside.

“It’s four in the morning,” he growled.

“ _Oh_ ,” Lilly said, momentarily forgetting why she was calling him. “ _I forgot_.”

“Inherent flaw in your plan, it would seem,” Logan said, propping himself on his pillows. “What do you want?”

“ _You could be a little nicer to me.”_ This was a manipulation and really, who did she think she was fooling? They were matched in that regard. 

“Oh, could I?” Logan asked. “It would seem that you’re the one asking me for a favor.”

 _“Logan. Please.”_  

Logan breathed silently for a moment into the phone. “What is it?”

 _“I think I’m in some trouble.”_  

“Noted.”

“ _Logan_.” He wondered if she was about to beg again. “ _Logan, I don’t know what to do.”_

And for a moment, he almost saw crystal blues eyes. Ones that never cried in front of him. Ones that would never turn to him for help. He felt like he was back in his dream. He should have been at Shelley Pomroy’s longer. Lilly may have broken his heart, but he still have should have been a friend.

But he didn’t. And he wasn’t.

He wondered if Veronica had cried for help when she was in that room.

But she would never tell him and he would never know.

“ _I’m scared_ ,” Lilly breathed. 

Logan shuttled to the present and all he saw was blue. _Blueeyesblueeyesblueeyes_ -

_“No matter what happened between us-“_

“Where are you?” Logan asked instantly.

The line was silent for a moment.

“Lilly?”

“ _Yeah_.”

It was almost like a solution. It was almost like everything would be okay again. 

“Just tell me where you are,” Logan said. “I’ll come and get you.”

But then why did this feel like such a mistake?

“ _Vienna_ ,” Lilly said. “ _Italy_.”

* * *

It was dark when Veronica snuck into her father’s apartment.

“No bark? What, is it your day off?”

Backup just whined and licked her face happily. Veronica sighed, her bag dropping to the floor. Her father’s car wasn’t out front, which was a relief. Hopefully with her luck he would still being at the station. As much as she missed him, spring break was not something she was looking forward to – especially in this cesspool of seediness. 

There were three unanswered phone calls from her boyfriend and arriving back in Neptune was only adding to her stress.

“You do realize that breaking and entering is a felony.” 

Veronica would have jumped. But she recognized the teasing tone in her father’s voice and she turned around. Immediately their arms found each other and she was wrapped in a bear hug.

“In front of my sheriff father?” Veronica asked. “I knew the felonies before I knew the state capitals.”

“That’s my girl,” Keith said affectionately. “I thought you weren’t supposed to get in until tomorrow.”

“I feel a pressing urge for sordidness and corruption,” Veronica said dryly.

“Hey,” Keith said with mock seriousness. “You know that’s on my campaign poster.”

“To no fault of your own, I’m sure,” Veronica said. “It’s that deputy Lamb. If not lazy, he’s just grossly incompetent.” 

“You talk like a criminal lawyer,” Keith said proudly.

Veronica rolled her eyes. “I’m still technically and undergrad, Dad. I said I would consider it.”

She wanted desperately to change the subject from her career pursuits. Sure, prosecuting smug rich boys in the court of law for drugging girls was a particular fantasy she had many times. But when she thought of coming home for spring break, this wasn’t how she envisioned it. Then again, everything that happened in Neptune was usually an unequivocal nightmare. 

Changing the subject seemed like the best course of action. “You were at the station?”

_See, Dad? I’m thinking like a lawyer already._

“Just got back,” Keith said, starting to go through the fridge. “We’re my turkey pot pie, woman?”

Veronica smiled, but something else was weighing on her mind. “So how are the ex-cons doing these days?”

Keith turned around, closing the fridge. His expression was somber. “Veronica…” 

“I was just wondering,” Veronica said nonchalantly. They both knew who she was talking about. It was the scandal of the town - if a town could suffer even more scandal that it already did on a regular basis.

“What's this about? You know there’s no questioning his guilt. Those tapes are out there. You would know that better than anyone.”

“I know.”

“So you also know Aaron couldn't going to stay in prison for long,” Keith said. “But the court of public opinion is what’s important. Why are you asking about it? You should be moving past this. It’s been four years.”

That was a good question. Why was she asking after all this time? Aaron Echolls had been free for a couple years by now, but it had been weighing on her mind worse than ever – like everything else. Every awful thing. Her mother. Shelley Pomroy’s party. The Echolls Family Curse. Tragedy befell that family more than her own and it was _bothering_ her.

Like her own personal relationship. It was all too much and there was only one person she could talk about it with. The one person that she called last week. The one person she came here to see.

“Lilly’s your friend but-“

“Aaron deserved to be in prison,” Veronica said darkly. There was one thing that she was sure of, and that was it. “Lilly wasn’t exactly innocent, but he still deserves it.”

“You know those convictions don’t historically have long sentences.”

He didn’t need to remind her. Why else would she keep her own trauma to herself? What good could come of revealing it to the public? What solace or consolation or even closure could she ever gain?

There was a reason she kept everything close to the chest and that was because she knew exactly what happened when you opened yourself up and tried to get justice. The system fooled you and the system took you for all you were worth.

Not that Lilly cared about that. But Veronica did.

“The last time we talked, that wasn’t your point of view.”

Veronica gave her father a puzzled look.

“That he deserved to be in prison.”

Her father noticed it too. How much had changed when she was an upperclassman in high school. So much that she couldn’t bear to tell him because it would break his heart. He blamed her mother’s departure for her downward spiral junior year and she was going to go on letting him believe that. It was just easier.

“A lot happened since then, Dad,” Veronica said quietly. “You don’t know what he’s really like.”

“Did he do something—“

“Not to me,” Veronica assured him. “Never to me.” But that was all she was going to give him.

“I thought you getting out of Neptune would be better for you,” Keith sighed. “I know how hard the last few years have been on you.”

“Don’t you know?” Veronica asked playfully. “Trouble just follows me around.”

“How a sheriff’s daughter got into so much trouble before her eighteenth birthday, I will never know." 

More like he refused to know. 

Veronica knew that her father held Lilly Kane at least partially responsible – her best friend who was found in bed with an action star. But the truth was, Veronica had to get to the bottom of her own turmoil and mysteries back then. Some to do with Lilly, some not. A daughter of a cop could get a hold of certain surveillance equipment and Veronica saw more than her father would like or even like to admit. Going to Stanford couldn’t change the Mars blood in her. That was the whole issue. Keith didn’t smile.

“Your mom leaving wasn’t your fault.”

Veronica shrugged. “I don’t think I caused every bad thing that’s happened in this town. But it happened and I need to deal with it. Like an adult.”

She could tell her father didn’t like that response. But there was nothing to be done about that.

“You sure you’re alright, kid?”

Veronica smiled tightly in response.

“Are you seeing Duncan?”

That was the exact thing that she wanted to avoid. Another lie, another thing she had to keep from her father for his own good. 

“I don’t know. His spring break might not be this week.”

“Really?” Keith asked in surprise. “I thought I saw him at the Kanes’ the other day.”

“Oh.”

“You haven’t talked to him?” Keith prodded.

“Not recent enough, I guess,” Veronica said vaguely. “Lilly’s abroad so I just thought Logan would be here since Wallace and Mac are back already.”

“You know how proud I am of branching out of your little tight knit social circle, right?” Keith asked. It wasn’t a stretch to say that her father didn’t exactly approve of the influence of the 09ers. “Mac and Wallace are good people.” 

“I know.” Veronica was getting tired of forcing a smile.

“Duncan still is your boyfriend, isn’t he, sweetie?”

“Yes, Dad,” Veronica said, trying to keep the tension from her voice. 

 _God, what’s with the third degree?_  

“You know every good relationship-“

“Communication. Honesty. I get the gist,” Veronica sighed. “Your life partner Cliff gets enough of those divorce cases for me to get the idea.”

“I thought Lilly and Logan broke up.” Keith was slapping together salami and ham on pieces of bread as Veronica observed him. 

“Yeah,” Veronica said in confusion. “Like five years ago, Dad. That’s why they’re on different continents.”

Keith nodded and that’s when Veronica realized he knew something he wasn’t letting on.

Typical in the Mars household. And he wondered how she got busted for breaking the law so many times in high school.

“Well when I saw Duncan the other day, he said that Logan wasn’t here. He hasn’t come back yet.”

Six days she called Logan and never heard back from him. She could figure his stupid endgame in all of this. He was such a boy.

“Are you going to call Duncan?”

“Yeah,” Veronica said softly. “Sure.”

* * *

If Lilly was anything, it was predictable. Logan could say that for certain now that they had a clean break. Sometimes she would call him at three in the morning, drunk and sultry (a Lilly Kane pro combination) but at this point, he never took the bait. He didn’t need to.

Logan didn’t like to think that this counted. He would never fool himself into thinking that he was still in love with her because he wasn’t anymore. Once you see definitive proof of your father thrusting on top of your adolescent girlfriend, the fire kind of goes out of the relationship, you know?

But when it came down to chasing Lilly across continents, there would be no doubt in how to find her. Lilly had a particular pattern and as sure as she was born, Logan knew he could find her in the most expensive villa – with whatever rich entrepreneur she was bedding this week.

“Yeah, I don’t really feel like leaving right now.”

Standing in the doorway as Lilly strutted around in her uniform – bikini top and cropped jean shorts – Logan cursed himself for being surprised. Because at this point, he really shouldn’t be.

Logan rubbed his temples in frustration. “I just spent fourteen hours on a plane and you don’t feel like leaving right now?”

Lilly just shrugged, her bare feet padding across the shining floor.

“Is there a how to guide on being a selfish bitch, or does it just come psychically to you from the ether?” Logan asked.

It was so easy for Lilly to change her mind, even if it inconvenienced everyone around her.

“You shouldn’t be so needy, Logan,” Lilly said indifferently. “It’s a really unattractive quality.”

Story of his life. He wasn’t about to get stuck in a country that only served pasta and glorified tomato paste.

“You sound like Trina. You should start a fan club,” Logan replied snappishly. “We’re leaving.”

“Take a Xanax, Logan.”

“You know I would, if I didn’t get a desperate call from you at four in the morning begging me to save you.”

Lilly rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Like you’re so oppressed. You get to hang out in a cultural metropolis. With me.”

“As much as I would love to see you seducing tourists and committing indecent exposure on Vespa’s-“

“I’m not Duncan.” Lilly’s eyes flared with real anger for the first time since he touched down. “When you say jump, I don’t ask how high.” 

“Well I’m not asking either,” Logan replied. “We’re getting out of this country today.”

“Says who?”

Beneath that shiny veneer, there was a serpent waiting to strike. Logan had known this for a long while. Maybe even before he saw her rolling around with Aaron. But he was still the one stuck in a foreign country. Veronica would scoff at how naïve and what an easy mark he was.

This could not have been made any clearer by her twenty-five year old Italian paramour who had just walked through the door.

Logan ground is teeth with irritation. 

Lilly accepted a sloppy neck kiss from the nameless attempt at punishing the men in her life this week. “Who’s this?” 

“Her brother,” Logan said before Lilly could open her mouth. “We’ve leaving.” 

“We were actually just about to head out,” Lilly said. “Right, Paulo?”

Logan didn’t bother being discreet about rolling his eyes. Paulo embraced her intimately and Logan checked his watch. (It wasn't to Italian time.) Of course Lilly wouldn’t think about twice about going out in public that way. Then again, this was Europe.

“Why doesn’t your brother come by tomorrow?” Paulo asked. “We can hang.” 

Lilly really did know how to pick ‘em.

“Sure,” Lilly said, batting her pretty eyes at him. He wasn’t fifteen anymore and that did not work. “Come by tomorrow.”

“So you can change your mind again?” Logan asked, though not scathingly. “I’ll have to check my schedule.”

“God, I wish Veronica was here. She wouldn’t be such a downer.” It was then that Logan realized that Lilly was drunk at two in the afternoon. (Though again, Europe.) She never would have name dropped so pointedly in a way Logan still couldn’t understand.

As Lilly peeled herself off of her man, Logan grabbed her upper arm, yanking her towards him. She flinched, but let him whisper to her. 

“What’s the matter with you?” Logan asked. It was the only thing that he could ask. Maybe he really was the desperate one in all of this. Lilly could shut off her humanity and project not caring into everything she did. Logan wasn’t like that. He could cut you down as good as the next guy but if he loved someone, he loved them. Thus, his fatal flaw. “It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t deserve to turn out like this.”

"Hey-" Paulo said, almost inserting himself between the two of them.

Lilly’s lips turned into a ferocious sneer as she wrenched herself away from Logan. She never had a problem with causing a scene. 

“Well I’m not like Virginal Veronica.”

Logan took a step back. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m staying,” Lilly said petulantly. She always had to get her way. And her way was always the most difficult and the opposite of everyone else’s. “We’ve been broken up for four years. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

“You didn’t let me even when we were together,” Logan replied. He wasn’t letting go that easy. “Let’s go.”

Lilly had called for a reason. And even if those reasons weren’t fairly obvious to him yet and purely selfish, he still didn’t want to leave her alone with this stranger. Call him crazy, but he was a little trigger shy when it came to older men with his ex-girlfriend. 

“She said she didn’t want to go with you,” Paolo said in heavily accented English.

“Well she didn’t say that on the phone in the middle of the night—“ 

“That was afternoon here,” Lilly pointed out.

“She doesn’t have to go with you,” Paulo said firmly. “She doesn’t owe anything to your family.” 

And there it was. Lilly always did have a problem with keeping her mouth shut.

“Yeah?” Logan challenged him. "What do you know about it?"

“She told me everything,” Paulo said. “How your old man screwed her. Her mother practically disowned her and she has nothing to live off of.”

To be fair, Logan had asked.

“Yeah, she’s got it real hard,” Logan drawled. “So impoverished. Conning every man with eyeballs into fending for her. Cheating on me with a movie star.”

The anger was building inside him and he couldn’t get it to quiet. It was starting a dull roar in his brain. He knew this all too well.

“You do this every time.”

“We weren’t together—“ Lilly started.

“Whatever. Water under the bridge,” Logan said, breathing deeply. ”Bygones. You know the drill.”

“And now you,” Paulo interceded. “You just can't take no for an answer. She has her obsessive ex to deal with at every turn. You just fall for it, don’t you? No wonder your mother jumped off a bridge—“

And just like that, he snapped. Logan had a new appreciation for what his father called a crime of passion. It seemed bizarre that this stranger was talking about something so intimate that only one other person had been witness to. There was only one other person who had ever seen Logan sink to his knees with the knowledge that his mother was never coming back.

That person had not been Lilly.

Just like that, all of his self-restraint, breathing techniques his shrink had been teaching him, his tranquility, had dissipated like it had never been there to begin with.

There was no seeing red, or black abyss of self-indulgence. There was just Logan. 

Logan and his fists. His knuckles were already red and cracked as they slammed into Paulo the Italian.  Lilly was screaming, but Logan couldn’t process it. He slammed his body into the much older man only to be thrown back on the floor.

At least Logan had a nice view of the landscape as the other man began to punch his sternum. 

“Just _stop_.” Lilly was still screaming. Logan could hear her now. “ _Leave him alone_.”

She was shrill and it was occurring to him that she was actually referring to him this time. Usually when he was being pulled off of someone by a blonde, it was so he wouldn’t kill his opponent.

But Veronica wasn’t here, as Lilly so dutifully pointed out. Logan was the one having trouble breathing as Lilly threw herself onto Paulo’s back. She locked her arms around his throat and he had to stop throwing punches into Logan’s ribs to toss Lilly off of him.

Lilly fell into the wall and all three of them seemed to stop at once. Lilly’s hair was in disarray and Logan wasn’t even looking at his attacker anymore. He was looking at his initial opponent. Lilly Kane – the one that got away and always ensnared him. 

Logan lurched to his feet, wheezing now and able to taste his own blood on his tongue. 

“Find your own way home.”

He walked out of the villa without a glance back.

All Logan could find in the hotel minibar were a few tiny bottles of premium liquor. Not enough to ice his face or hands. He knew his ribs were what took most of the beatings, but luckily the black and blue didn’t show. He was sure if he asked room service and showed them his Black AmEx he could swing a frozen steak to put on his jaw. But either way, it wouldn’t really matter.

He was still stuck in some foreign country where he didn’t speak the language and once again, let Lilly Kane swindle him. You’d think he would have learned his lesson by now. It would be one thing if he still loved her. Then it would almost excuse his behavior. But no. His original sin was always assuming that one day, Lilly Kane would actually grow some humanity. Maybe she could actually be a person that would empathize with him and not play with him for fun.

If anyone could make Logan feel like a human being, it was Lilly. So here he was, stuck in Italy without an ice pack and trying to calculate how long it would take the bruising on his ribs to fade so no questions were asked. He was used to it.

It figures that she would knock on his door at this hour. She seemed to have a sixth sense about what was inconvenient to him and what would cause him the most trouble. At this time of night, all she really did was interrupt his inner monologue.

But it was vexing just the same.

Logan swung the door open. He was almost knocked down by the stench of tequila. But Lilly was still wearing what she had earlier that day and she always had a higher tolerance than any of them. 

“I think the convention for homewrecking sluts is in the other hotel, actually.” Logan prepared to close the door in her face, but she stepped right in, sliding under his arm.

He closed the door after her.

That was the thing with Lilly. When she got bored, it was like an instinct to come back. At least he could go home now. 

“Come one, Logan,” Lilly sighed, sprawling over his bed that he was preparing to pass out in moments ago. “You talk a big game, but even you’re not that much of a prick.”

Logan mockingly crossed his fingers. “Here’s hoping.”

“And you used to be so nice.” 

“Well you know what they say. With age comes wisdom.”

“When we were dating, jackass.”

“And then you screwed my father for all of _Access Hollywood_ to see,” Logan said. “You really do know how to let a guy down easy.”

“I did that after you broke up with me.” 

Logan studied her for a moment. In all their time together (and apart) Logan never once considered the fact that maybe she had been hurt about it. And that was why she sent the tapes.

“I never figured you one to play the victim card.” 

“No, I leave that to Veronica.”

Logan narrowed his eyes. He hadn’t been missing all the digs Lilly had been taking from a girl who wasn’t there to defend herself.

“What, you two break up or something?” Logan asked.

“I love her,” Lilly sighed. “And I loved you. No matter what I might have done.”

Logan shrugged. “I guess I grew some self-esteem. Or shame. Pick one and I got it.”

“Yeah, and grew an attitude that rivals my own,” Lilly said. “You and Veronica both.”

That stung. Lilly clearly wasn’t privy to certain sensitive information that had transpired right around the time that she was referring to. And Logan wasn’t about to blow Veronica’s cover. Especially since he himself had only become privy to that information a days ago.

“So what is it, Lilly?” Logan asked. “What is your trauma? You do this just for kicks? You’d think I’d figure it out by now.”

“You were always a little slow on the uptake,” Lilly said. “And despite your appearance, devastatingly sensitive. You always did take forever to figure it out.”

Her voice was pointed and he should have figured Lilly didn’t just come by because she was bored. She had some sort of agenda and it probably wasn’t in Logan’s best interest to discover what it was.

But he was always a little too curious for his own good. 

“Figure out what?”

Lilly rolled dramatically on her stomach, her bikini top leaving nothing to the imagination.

“I always knew I could depend on you.” She was using her seduction tone and Logan knew he was walking the path to his own destruction. “Even after everything. You take care of me.”

“Lucky me.” Where was Duncan when you needed him?

“No matter what. Even after how I’ve treated you.”

“So did you drink the entire bar, or just the tequila?” Logan quipped.

“I knew you’d come.”

“Aha,” Logan said dryly, “that old siren’s song.” 

“No. That’s not it.”

Logan couldn’t blame the guy for falling into Lilly’s honeytrap. That had been him once upon a time. And more accurately to Veronica’s casual observations, probably that Weevil Navarro too.

Lilly’s slipon’s fell to the floor with a clunk, her legs spread. Logan did in fact feel the siren call that was once so familiar. There was that familiar stirring within him that some sorority girls thrice a semester really couldn’t quell.

No one got him like Lilly and he wished it wasn’t so far past midnight and so deep in turmoil.

The truth was – that was what this was. All true. She wasn’t trying to take him for all he was worth. This was the most honest. And she was more naked than she had been before in front of him. 

It scared him.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Logan grumbled, trying to amble past her. Her hand struck out and grabbed his arm. His body was strong enough to shake her, but nothing else could ever be formidable against her.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I know.”

Logan couldn’t help but lean in to hear her better. She had all the tricks down since puberty.

“You didn’t come for me,” she said. Logan straightened in sudden confusion.

That wasn’t what he had expected to hear. 

“You haven’t in years,” Lilly said, a little louder this time. This was no trick. “You came for something else.”

Logan sat next to her as she curled up to him like a sleek cat.

“So it was two tequila bars,” Logan said coolly. “Got it.”

“It was for her.” 

Logan should have squirmed away, but the claws were in and there was no escaping her now. He couldn’t ask. He couldn’t wonder. Lilly had him transfixed, even if he didn’t totally understand it yet. 

“I know you’re in love with her.”

Logan’s brow furrowed. Was he too sober to understand this? “What are you talking about?”

“She always took care of me,” Lilly murmured again. He wondered vaguely how long it was until she was about to pass out. “You think about me more like a sister now. You love me. Just not like that. Not like for her. So you come to save me. Like she would.”

Logan swallowed thickly.

“I think I knew for awhile,” Lilly said conversationally. “I just needed to be sure.” 

“Lilly, stop,” Logan ground out. He couldn’t listen to this. He couldn’t hear this. 

The name that was on the tip of everyone’s tongue. The name he so often skated over, the one that Lilly had continued to push into his brain all this time. This entire trip had been a con and he had been conned by the best. He always let her in.

But now was not the time. He couldn’t do this. He had come here to escape that name, not get closer to it. To run away from every confusing thing she ever did. Why she called him in the middle of the night. Why she showed him more than she showed anyone, even if it really wasn’t enough. Why he was her sole confidante when she was so secretive for so long.

_whywhywhy_

“You even sound like her.” Lilly was smiling now and he couldn’t understand it. “The more time passes, the similar you become. She told you first, didn’t she? About what happened to her.”

Logan’s eyes went wide.

Had he not been Veronica’s sole confidante? Somehow, that stung. That stung worse than anything else. But really, that wasn’t as bad as this. As Lilly seeing more than she had any right to.

Seeing more than Logan ever had.

“No.” 

“You’re a terrible liar,” Lilly said, her laughter bubbling up inside her. “She’s a far cry from the doe-eyed, innocent sheriff’s daughter now. Right? But not as bad as me. She’s someone you could really love.”

Logan tried wrenching away from her. “Shut up.”

“It’s okay, Logan.” Lilly’s hands were soft on him, pushing him back on the bed. “I think I finally get it now.”

And for the last time, Logan let her. He let Lilly Kane have what she wanted. He was familiar with this. When straps fell and belts were undone, zippers echoing in the dark night, nothing was real. Fears and insecurities could be forgotten.

Lilly pulled the knot at the back of her neck and let her top fall. He saw the sight he had seen so many times before and in that comfort, he could just forget.

He forgot late night calls and the rage that someone had hurt something so close to him –

Closer than he ever could have imagined. 

Lilly’s mouth was on his and for the last time, he could take comfort in that.

* * *

“Duncan called for you.”

She should have gone to Tehran. That seemed far enough away to avoid this, right? Far enough away from this drama and this potential storm that she wanted no part of. But if her father garnered so much pleasure from disapproving of how she was handling her relationships, he really shouldn’t have raised her for such a healthy distrust of authority and rules in general.

Being in law enforcement, she was fairly certain that her father’s official standpoint on illegally obtained evidence and bugging houses would be disapproval. But what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. And he really shouldn’t be surprised in any case. He saw first hand the sort of corruption that this town catered towards.

She did what she had to do to get by as a teenager. The sheriff’s daughter caught breaking and entering would surely but a cramp in his reelection and he had enough of that to deal with in her high school days after her mother left.

After Shelley Pomroy’s party.

Veronica opened her laptop and plugged in her USB. She pulled up the hardrive on her computer and put in her headphones. 

When she had discovered it in high school, she recognized that hot tub and after all, there was only one party with those stars and Chinese lamps. But these past months being away from Neptune, she couldn’t help but obsess over it.

Over everything.

_…is fabulous. You so should be here. This guy is being such a total drag, though. I’m going to have to get back soon. I ran out of money like three weeks ago. By the way, you have to call my brother back. He’s been nagging me. He’s trying to get a hold of you. You know how I feel about long distance, but he seemed… whatever. Call him back? Or listen to his messages? You know how he gets. Boys will be boys, Veronica Mars. If he doesn’t get some soon, he’ll probably get drunk and get with some skank. Ask Logan about it. He would know since all he’s good for is a good time. If you’re bored or whatever. He can at least fit my best friend into his Spring Break schedule. It’s not like he still doesn’t live in Neptune…_

Veronica had listened to the rambling message more times than she could count. What really concerned her was that Duncan had left her about fifteen messages. Since their last conversation, she was more about avoiding him than anything else. Which would be difficult, but she was committed. Since they started different colleges they had been especially strained. She had no desire to engage in any of that.

Wallace was a nice distraction.

“Girl, you will not believe how I owned those exams…”

Wallace had been talking she was sure for the past twenty-seven minutes. They had the pattern down, however. He was used to her multi-tasking ever since her failed campaign to find her mother junior year of high school. Deputy Leo was more than happy to show the sheriff’s daughter how to work the surveillance equipment – especially when she and Duncan were on a slight hiatus.

But then Logan’s mother drowned and all of her recollections became blurry.

Veronica dialed is number again.

_This is Logan reminding you: if you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship, don’t ask which seat, just get on. Sheryl Sandberg said that. So don’t leave a message. Go get on that rocket ship. Or, leave a message. Your call. Your decision will tell me a lot about you._

Veronica flung her phone in frustration on the bed. Logan had changed his voicemail only days ago and already she could recite that inspirational message by heart. The fact remained that there were no rings before the voicemail picked up. (If he was wondering, she wasn’t leaving a message out of spite by now.)

“What are you working on?” Wallace knew at this time in his life, he could only get her attention if he inquired about her work. A double major of psychology and pre-law wasn’t exactly suggested and she hadn’t even told Duncan of her plans yet.

“Logan isn’t picking up,” Veronica said as though Wallace hadn’t said anything at all.

It had been six days since their last conversation and he was still being irritatingly aloof. She didn’t know if he was doing this purposefully or she had made a mistake by calling him.

“If a boy needs help out of a jam, he should know not to skip out on his Sociology exam. Veronica Mars will find out.”

Veronica whipped towards Wallace in a flash. “What did you say?”

“Damn, you really don’t listen when it doesn’t have anything to do with petty criminals. Though come to think of it, boy does have some pretty criminal…”

“Logan skipped his exam?”

Her bullshit detector was whirring already, even though she should know that concerning Logan, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Yeah, it was weird,” Wallace said, sort of relieved that Veronica was actually looking him in the eye. “He spent nights up with Mac studying and everything. Got his number two pencil, got his sharpener, got his eraser—“

Veronica twirled her hand in a get-to-the-point sort of gesture.

“-Dude just bolted.”

“What do you mean?” Veronica asked. “He left in the middle of the test?”

“Didn’t even start the test,” Wallace said. “He settled down to get going, but one look at his phone and he just left.”

Veronica sat back, her brow furrowing.

“Not as seedy as you expected?” Wallace asked.

“He’s not picking up,” Veronica repeated.

“I’m sure the dude’s fine,” Wallace said. “He’s like a cat.”

He studied her for a moment. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. “Have you seen Duncan since you got back?”

Veronica tried not to flinch. “Why?”

“Since you two are dating and all…” Wallace said. “Maybe I need to catch up on my modern relationships.” 

“I just thought Logan would be here.”

She tried to hide the disappointment in her voice. Even if Wallace didn't, she knew exactly where Logan had gone.

* * *

“Miss me?” 

Veronica smiled weakly.  Lilly would disappear for six months without a word and sashay back like nothing happened. But then she would go not seeing Veronica for a day and then ask her if she was missed.

It was akin to all the air being sucked from the room and being not able to breathe. At Vassar Lilly was virtually a nonentity. No emails, no social media. From time to time she would get tidbits from voicemails from Duncan. Then Lilly would come back and it was as if no time had passed. 

And in all the time that Veronica was doing well in school, not getting into trouble, and living her life, she could breathe. She had room.

But she missed her best friend.

“Now do you want to get out of this dump or what?”

Lilly’s idea of spring break was not Neptune, California. Veronica knew that much. That was why before she even had exams she took off for Italy. But she had been rerouted and Veronica knew that would involve some drinking.

If Veronica had to guess, this would probably entail a trip to Hollywood, but she really didn’t care, as long as it meant she didn’t have to go to the Kanes.

“So you never called my brother back,” Lilly announced as they got into her car.

It wasn’t a question. Lilly rarely posed questions.

Veronica fiddled with the radio in agitation.

“Come on, Veronica,” Lilly said. “You’ve been like a rocker chick since the middle of high school. It wasn’t always like that.”

“Maybe Duncan should dump me because I wear too much black.”

Lilly laughed at the joke but it quieted soon.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t at Shelley’s party.”

Veronica’s hand froze over the dial. The statement was sudden and random and she knew that her friend had been waiting to spring this on her for maximum shock value. Lilly’s eyes flicked from the rode to look at her friend.

“Why?”

“Was he the only one you told?” Lilly asked in surprise. “Really?”

Veronica couldn’t look anyone in the eye, could she? "I don't…" She couldn't even finish her non-sentence.

When she was with Lilly, she was always the inferior one.

“Look, I get it,” Lilly continued. “Why you won’t talk to Donut.”

“You do?” Veronica asked, panic stricken.

Lilly looked at her with concern. “You don’t remember that night. Who you were with or what.”

Or what indeed.

“But you’re my best friend,” Lilly said. “I just wish I was there. I wish I wasn’t pissed at Logan for breaking up with me. I wish I wasn’t pissed at myself for screwing everything up. I wish I could have done something. But I don’t deserve to be. Do I?”

Lilly thought she knew. She thought she knew as much as Logan and to be honest Veronica was relieved that she didn’t. She wouldn’t have been able to stand the humiliation of Lilly knowing that her own brother may or may not have assaulted Veronica. 

But Logan did know. And he still didn’t tell his ex-girlfriend. That was something, she supposed, but this was still too much to handle. Duncan was still some wildcard that she didn’t know how to deal with.

And Lilly would always be wild.

 “The second I sent in those tapes, I knew my days of flying under the radar are over,” Lilly said. “I don’t have a problem with that. But Logan was always a little… sensitive.”

“What are you trying to say?” Veronica finally found her voice.

“You’re my sister. That’s all that matters.”

Veronica could smile now. 

“Logan left because he was more like you than me anyway,” Lilly said. “He still has trouble with what happened with his father." 

“Can you blame him?”

Lilly gave Veronica a sharp look before laughing. “You’ve got some _spine_ , Veronica Mars.”

 _Ever since that night_. That was the end of the sentence that Lilly didn’t say. 

“You went up against Aaron, even my mother,” Lilly said. “Oh, that reminds me. You have to come over for dinner. If I come home without you, Duncan will throw a fit. You know you have to talk to him, right?”

“I know,” Veronica said quietly.

“And Logan will be there.” 

Veronica made her face impassive.

“So we’ll all be together,” Lilly said. “Like it should be. That’s something at least.”

“So you’ve seen him?” Veronica asked.

“Well, yeah,” Lilly answered. “He’s the one that come and got me from Italy. So dutiful, that sweet boy.”

“Oh,” Veronica said brightly.

“In more ways than one, if you know what I mean,” Lilly said, waggling her eyebrows. “There’s something to be said with fucking your ex in Europe. It’s what I live for.”

Veronica didn’t respond. 

_I’m sure._

* * *

The scabs on Logan’s knuckles scraped against the peeling paint of the door. Ow, but then again, if it didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be Veronica. He could hear Backup barking and knew she was on the other side of the door.

He didn’t announce his arrival this time. She had a penchant for waiting and hoping certain people would just go away. Right now, he really didn’t need that. Seeing her would be confusing but he couldn’t go home and Lilly would find him anywhere else. 

He knocked again and her vivacious pit-bull would not stop yowling. He had a feeling that her father was still at the station.

Finally, the door whipped open. Blue eyes widened in surprise – _and if he didn’t know any better, delight_ – and it was clear she was expecting someone else. 

“Hi.”

Logan smiled grimly in response. 

Her smile was radiant but there was something guarded in her eyes. Ever since her mother ran off, there had always been something there. Logan wasn’t sure if he was just imagining things anymore, or just looking in a mirror. 

And then she actually looked at him.

“What did you do?”

She was definitely guarded. Guarded and staring at his knuckles. Logan just shrugged. She opened the door wider. She embraced him and he took it in guiltily. He should be more beat up for this type of thing.

“You should see the other guy.”

Veronica closed the door behind him. 

“I can imagine,” Veronica said dryly. “Have you seen your face?”

Logan wanted to tell her everything. Tell her how he was confused and she smelled of marshmallows and promises and that Lilly’s essence was still all over him.

Confused why she told him everything that she did.

But this wasn’t them. Being in her arms was meant for when his mother jumped off a bridge, not because he wanted to.

“What?” Her voice was full of concern and he knew coming here was a bad idea. She prodded him firmly. 

He squirmed away, unable to really look at her without seeing everything he imagined about that night.

“This is about last week,” Veronica said. “Isn’t it?”

Logan focused on his battered hands. That was something consistent. She took that as affirmation. 

“God, I never should have told you.”

“Then why did you?” Logan asked sharply.

Veronica scowled at him. He knew it wasn’t her fault. He could only imagine how lonely it must be. And his reaction wasn’t exactly helping her to open up to people. He knew that.

“I’m starting to ask myself the same question,” Veronica said coldly. She turned away from him when his eyes caught her computer screen. 

Veronica met his eyes and slammed the computer shut quickly, obscuring the stars and Chinese lamps. 

“You haven’t even talked to Duncan about it?” Logan asked quietly.

“I don’t want to _talk_ to Duncan,” Veronica stressed. He knew obsessing about this since high school was running her ragged. But he also knew what it was like.

And Duncan didn’t.

That was the truth. 

“You know this is the rumor, but I’m pretty sure relationships require communication.” He tried to make a joke of it but she didn’t react positively.

Why did it feel the most confortable with her? He knew what was on her mind with even a look, but that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He wondered if this was Lilly’s plan and she had even pushed him here. 

“Especially long distance.”

“And how can I?” Veronica asked. “How can I talk to him when he doesn't have a care in the world?”

“This isn’t news,” Logan said. “This has been going on and you still haven’t told him.”

“He knows.”

“Knows what?” Logan pressed. He wished he could keep the edge out of his voice, but her casual tone was pushing him towards anger. 

“We talked about it,” Veronica said uncomfortably. She didn’t want to be talking about this any more than he did. “That I don’t remember what happened.”

“And that he was the one in the room with you.”

“I was conscious.”

“You just don’t happen to remember it,” Logan said. “Convenient. This was what, four years ago? It’s still bothering you and you still haven’t told him your real feelings about it.”

Logan knew that Veronica had an allergy to commitment. Who could blame her? But long distance was sure to be difficult and she wasn’t helping herself. She didn’t seem to want to for a long time.

“Veronica-“ He moved closer to her on the couch and Backup whined. Veronica turned to meet him swiftly. He had miscalculated the distance and was much closer to her than he thought. “You told me. Everything.” 

Veronica put her head in her hands and took a deep breath. She was so exhausted and there was nothing he could do. He put a hand on her shoulder and her fingers wove between is and gripped him tight.

“I’m drowning.”

“I know,” Logan said, his throat dry. What could the two of them do but drown? Since they were sixteen, all they could do was cling to each other and the knowledge of their absent parents and abuse from everyone around them. 

Only the Kanes were untouchable.

“What’s the difference being so wasted you don’t remember, or being assaulted?” Her face was dry now, her tone stony.

“That’s the difference, Veronica. You weren’t wasted. You were drugged.”

“He didn’t know that,” Veronica said. “I was lucid.”

That’s what she said the week before when she told him everything. When she told him that she and Duncan had a drunken hook up-

Only she wasn’t drunk. She was roofied and couldn’t remember anything.

“It was nature.”

Logan wanted to believe that for her. But his hands were curling into fists and he knew his own nature wasn’t allowing it.

“Was it?” He shouldn’t have said it. But there was nothing else that he could say.

“I’m the one who’s supposed to be upset, here,” Veronica said sharply. “You weren’t even there. You went to have irresponsible sex with Cindy the easy freshman in the back of your car.”

Logan remembered that. Lilly had slept with his father and he had been angry for months. So angry he snapped at even Veronica when she didn’t deserve it. And the one night she needed him, he didn’t come through. 

He could see her hardened shell.

“You are angry, Veronica,” Logan said. “Fire. Brimstone. You’re pissed. You’ve been obsessing over this for years and you told me because you can’t stand it anymore.” 

Veronica looked at him with blank eyes.

“Right?” he asked. “ _Right_?”

She wasn’t his responsibility. No one should be Logan Echolls’ responsibility. So why did it feel like he had to be her protector when all she did was save him? 

“Where’s the plate of hot vengeance?” Logan asked, pushing her. “Where did you go, Veronica? Why aren’t you…” _Why can’t we make this right?_  

“Because I love him.”

Logan wondered if Veronica would care about him throwing up all over the carpet. Maybe her dad would think it was the dog.

His knuckles stung and he realized the skin was broken again. He was on his feet, not realizing his hands were balled into fists already.

“There’s no difference,” Veronica said. “I choose to go with that.”

“Oh, do you?” Logan’s retort was angry, but he couldn’t help himself. “And what if it had been me? You would make me pay. You know you would.”

“You?” Veronica’s eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?” 

“But you love him, so it’s all alright. It must be.” 

He had to get out of this tiny apartment. He had to get away from this. Get away from this nausea and the darkness that was creeping around the edges.

“He was drunk too.” She seemed less sure, now.

“You don’t remember any of it, Veronica,” Logan said. “How can that be okay? How can any of this…” He was losing his breath. Losing steam. He couldn’t go home, but he couldn’t stay here either.

“That’s not what you said last week,” Veronica said, steadily. 

“Last week I was confused.”

_I’m still confused._

He was gasping for breath, not sure which way was up.

“That’s why you ran to Europe after your ex-girlfriend?”

That was not what he was expecting.

“That’s where you were,” Veronica said, “right?”

“That’s what you care about?” Logan asked. He couldn’t talk about this anymore. Maybe this was better.

“I thought you and Lilly were officially done since the aforementioned coitus in your pool house.” Veronica’s tone could tear a man down and Logan knew she had seen the tape herself.

“We’re not back together.”

“But the moment she asks, you jet off to Italy to save her.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

Suddenly, he couldn’t understand what they were arguing about. He never really argued with anyone. He and Lilly screamed at each other, but that was just high passion. Duncan rolled his eyes at him, but was generally tolerant. Out of all of them, he and Veronica grated the most.

He couldn’t understand that now.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I know what Lilly talks about,” Veronica said. Before she had cut off her hair and generally had her life fall apart, Veronica could blink innocently and jive with anyone. But what that was really hiding was the trickster in her. Now she could turn a personality or a phrase on a dime and what you thought was you having the upper hand tripped you up instead.

Logan couldn’t think straight and this wasn’t helping.

“I’m happy for you.” Both of them knew she wasn’t, but there was nothing left to say. “Maybe you and your father can have bonding sessions over shared experiences.”

“Just make sure you don’t take any drinks Duncan offers you,” Logan slung back. It was almost easy to hurt her.

Veronica stared at him for a long moment. He was sure that any moment she was going to take out her taser or stick Backup on him.

“He’s your best friend,” Veronica said. “Shouldn’t you be defending him? Why can’t you do that?" 

That’s what she wanted more than anything. She wanted this to just be okay.

She wanted him to fix it. That’s why she called him. It wasn’t anything else. Not that he wanted it to be. 

“Why can’t I placate you?” Logan asked. “Because I care about you-“

_Ouch, not the right thing to say._

“-Because you’re my friend. Because I’m angry for you. Because someone always has to pay. Isn’t that the rule we live by?”

“Yes,” she breathed.

“But you love him.” 

Logan reached for the handle and was halfway gone.

“Where were you?” 

_Where were you when I needed you?_

Logan couldn’t remember when they started being this way. After he had left Lilly for good. After graduation when Veronica and Duncan became more strained each semester. They were the scarred ones, and yet they were untouched from the rancor of Neptune when it came to one another.

And then she called him. She told him what she could never tell her own father, her feelings she could never divulge to her own boyfriend. 

To her best friend.

He could see her through the veiled curtain.

“Doing what you’re trying to do,” Logan said. “Trying to preserve us.” 

 _Us_ had been such a tangible thing in high school. The four of them against the world.

But then Lilly ruined everything. And what was worse, Logan didn’t know if he even wanted to go back.

* * *

Veronica was invited more out of polite necessity than anything else. Jake always enjoyed Logan but now this was just such a tangled web of bad intention. He sat across from Duncan and Veronica at the table, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

True to Lilly’s character, she always had to make an entrance.  Logan tensed as he felt her arms come around his neck, her lips against his face.

He looked over across the table. Veronica’s eyes looked out of focus.

“I see the Prozac’s working,” Logan said irritably, jerking away from her.

“Didn’t you miss me?”

“Not particularly.”

Lilly’s breath was gentle on the side of his face and Duncan took Veronica’s hand. Luckily Celeste walked out, followed by the maid and Lilly took a polite seat next to Logan. The hand on his thigh was not so polite and he spent the remainder of the meal trying not to look across the table.

“You told Veronica we were back together,” Logan said, almost like an accusation. Lilly was sneaking a smoke out by the pool when Logan found her. For someone so intent on making everyone uncomfortable during dinner, she was especially difficult to locate afterwards.

“So?" 

“So, it’s not true.”

Lilly shrugged. 

“It’s not, Lilly.”

“So what?” she asked. “She’s still with Duncan, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“I have eyes, don’t I?”

“Is that what you really want?” she asked. 

“You have no idea what I want.”

“It’s perverse, I’m sure,” Lilly said. “But still. You want her.”

“I want her to be protected.” He said it more vehemently that he had intended. 

“And my brother isn’t doing that?”

Logan was quiet. 

“I’m trying to help you out here,” Lilly said petulantly. 

“That’s what you like to tell yourself,” he said. “Isn’t it? No. This is all a game to you. Like dear old Dad. Like me. Like everyone in your life.”

“She isn’t,” Lilly said.

“This is just entertainment to you.” 

“You used to like that.”

Her fingers trailed down Logan’s chest. Even in moments like these, he never really had it in him to push her away. Breaking up with Lilly had been easy. It was being with her that was hard. The one thing that he learned by being Lilly Kane’s boytoy – he was weak. She was the most formidable woman any man would have the misfortune of being accosted with. And Logan was just that. A boytoy that was gullible and helpless against her. Everything that he prided himself on not being anymore.

“Then she told you what happened to her,” Lilly said. It was what he needed to snap out of it.

Logan coldly peeled away from Lilly. He turned away, but Lilly didn’t stop.

“Is that when it happened?” Lilly asked. “I want all the facts. All the juicy details. Is that when you fell in love with her?”

Truth be told, Logan had no idea when it happened. One day he was ignoring her because she belonged to Lilly. He couldn’t belong to Lilly anymore but Veronica always would. But then they were sharing things. Then he was closer to her than he was to Duncan. Then she was tracing his scars and trading snappy quips. 

Then she was defending his honor before Aaron. 

But Logan would never say any of that – never could.

“Must have been about the same time you became so noble,” Lilly grumbled.

“Maybe the same time I found you having sex with my father.”

“That’s getting a little old,” Lilly scoffed.

And Logan laughed. There was a bitterness to it, but he couldn’t really deny the truth, could he? 

“You broke my heart.” 

“It was a clean break, though,” Lilly said. “Wasn’t it? But when you look at Veronica, your heart never stops breaking. That’s what you have to look out for.”

…

Veronica’s arms were tight around his neck. 

 _She’s gone._

_She’s gone._

_She’s gone._

He didn’t know if he had said it out loud or in his mind, but the tears were real. As real as Veronica’s fingers in his hair.

“It’s okay.”

She whispered it many times in his ear that night.

“It’s okay.”

Lilly. Lynn. His father made everyone he loved go away.

But Veronica kept whispering to him.

“It’s okay.”

Logan didn’t know how it would be okay, but what he did know was that he could trust Veronica Mars. She bore her own scars of her mother’s absence, though not as literal as his.

When her fingers brushed his back, he curled in a fetal position. He preferred the Grand now. His house was full of wounds of infidelity, statutory rape, suicide, abuse…

When it was empty, it was even worse. The bed here was apathetic. It had no feelings, held no memories. There were no belts to be whipped across his back and Veronica only smelled of hope and not grain alcohol.

“She’s really gone.”

Throughout the night, Veronica never let go of him. There was always one arm around him and somehow, that grounded him. Logan had never cried in front of anyone. Not since he was five and his father broke his nose for the first time. He should have asked her to leave, but even that seemed impossible. Impossible to let her go.

Veronica had nothing else to say but _it’s okay_. And still, it was enough.

Logan woke up in the middle of the night. Veronica was staring at the ceiling, still absentmindedly stroking his hair.

“You didn’t have to stay.” He tried to say it indifferently. He really tried to brush her off. But she saw more than she let on. She always had. Always the astute observer.

Veronica turned on her side, giving him a comforting smile.

“I could have used someone,” Veronica said, “when I wanted to be alone.”

“Does this make me Little Orphan Annie?”

“It doesn’t have to,” Veronica said. “Your dad’s alive. He’s just scum.”

For the first time that night, Logan could smile.

“Hereditary?”

“If that’s hereditary, then I’m in trouble,” Veronica said. “Halfway down the Primrose Wine-o Path for me. And that’s not even the worst.”

“I’m sure your five seconds away from Duncan were very trying.”

Veronica smiled, but it didn’t convince him. He had a bullshit detector is big as hers. That he knew for sure.

“Veronica?” 

Veronica shook her head.

“You can tell me.” She still didn’t answer. He could feel it in his bones. The trauma. “I… want you to tell me.” 

Maybe it was to distract himself from his troubles. Maybe because he wanted to know her. Maybe because really, he had known all along. One day she was wearing satin pink, the next she had cut off her hair and wore butch boots.

“Why?” Her throat was thicker than it was before and he found their arms entwined again.

“You helped me.”

“I know what it’s like,” she whispered.

“What’s it like?” 

“It’s…” Veronica looked up at the ceiling. “Bleak. And desolate. You want to go away inside. Let your focus fade so you just don’t think about it anymore. Because really, they’ve killed you. They ripped you up inside. They took away your power, your choice. They changed you when you had no say. Even when you heal yourself, there’s always that scar tissue there.” 

The night that they knew Logan’s mother was really gone, that was all that was said. It wasn’t until years later did he really understand what she was talking about.

…

Logan was already drunk when he answered the door. He was sure of it because he could not recall the last time Veronica actually enjoyed coming to one of his ’09er bashes.

Wordlessly, she shoved the neon flyer at him. 

“What’s the theme this time?” Her voice was cold like it had been after he turned on her years before. Before everything got even more complicated.

“I think the general idea is drunk, half-naked spring breakers,” Logan said. The room was spinning. Veronica edged into the foyer, the door closing behind her.

“What does your girlfriend say about that?” She said it pointedly and he was confused for a moment. He couldn’t think of what she was asking, and for a moment, he thought it was a trick question. She was the only girl in front of him and he couldn’t recall a time when they weren’t arguing anymore. “Or maybe she’s into it.” 

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Logan said steadily. “Why? Are you applying for the position?"

She laughed but it was cold and cutting. It was purposeful.

"No boyfriend for you?" Logan asked. "That’s a first.”

Somehow this had turned into some sort of fight full of rage, but Logan really wasn’t sure what they were fighting about. Yet again.

“Funny,” Veronica said. “You did express that sentiment to me, but then ran all the way across the world to fetch Lilly from another one of her many mistakes.”

He must be very drunk. Veronica Mars was acting scornful towards her best friend _and_ as though he had wronged her in some way.

“I’m not some perp, Veronica,” Logan said. “You can’t interview me. You want to accuse me of something? Go ahead.”

Maybe he was a perp. Maybe he had wronged her without realizing it. He had seen Veronica Mars cry too much in the last week anyway.

"I'm not accusing of anything that isn't true," Veronica said. "Lilly says Europe is an aphrodisiac. You would know, wouldn't you?"

Hell. Fury. Woman. Scorned. That sort of thing? Well that just didn't make any sort of sense.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Veronica said. “More than anyone. And now for the life of me, I can’t remember why.” 

All Logan wanted was to escape Lilly’s schemes and boredom. He wanted to get out of his own house when he knew Duncan would just be a few rooms away, ready and waiting for her.

_It was nature._

Those were the words she used. Like that excused her inability to remember anything, just because it was Duncan. 

Logan’s knuckles were just about to heal. He flexed them reflexively, but had to stop himself. He felt the usual flare up of anger and adrenaline. 

“You love him,” Logan shrugged. He was drunk, god he was drunk. Veronica’s eyes were as inscrutable as always and _god_ why was the room spinning? 

“Yeah, I love him,” Veronica said. “He was my first…” _Whatever_. “That doesn’t mean I want him like that. That doesn’t mean I could ever look at him and not wonder what really happened. There’s no proof. There’s no _fucking_ evidence.”

She was talking like a cop. Like a girl who in her youth tracked his mom’s ATM cards just because he needed her too.

“He could be telling the truth,” Logan tried to point out. 

“I guess I’ll never know.” 

And that was the trouble. Her rage. Her mistrust. 

He could sympathize.

… 

Veronica first kissed Logan on the cheek.

It was in front of a concierge at the Sunset Regent and before he knew what was happening, she was pretending that they were getting married.

“Wow, sugarpuss. You’ve certainly been a busy little bee.”

And you know what? It had been _easy_. It had been easy and fun. They fed off of each other with rhythm. Like reading each other’s minds.

She shrugged and grinned and he put his arm around her. 

Nothing had ever been so easy as this. 

Nothing had been as easy as when Veronica pulled him on the bed and held him while he cried and he listened to her talk about the emptiness that welled inside them both.

…

_To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. William Makepeace Thackeray._

She always had a sense of foreboding when she heard that voicemail. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she had heard it before. Maybe when she found illicit tapes of Lilly having sex with Aaron Echolls at Logan’s belated birthday party.

Maybe not.

Duncan embraced her and she held her breath. Maybe it was the trick of the mind. Maybe his cologne really did remind her of something dark.

Duncan’s hand was on her back and she had no choice but to go to the guest room, away from the party. 

“Can’t we talk about this?” 

“Talk about what?” Veronica asked, wary of being anywhere close to the bed. 

“Veronica,” Duncan said, closing the door behind him. “Those things we said before break…”

“It’s fine.”

“Don’t do that,” Duncan said. “I know you didn’t mean it. Don’t shut me out.” 

Veronica nodded, her eyes on the floor. She knew what heartbreak felt like. But she wasn’t about to tell Duncan what this was really about. What this turned into after.

“She’s my mother, Veronica,” Duncan said.

“Meg got on great with your parents.”

“You’re jealous of Meg?” 

If only it was the simple. Meg got out. Meg went to Sarah Lawrence and never had to look at her freak radical parents again. 

“I can’t do this,” Veronica whispered. Duncan’s hands were around her waist and she flinched violently this time.

“All I want is you,” he pleaded.

“I love you,” Veronica said. “But it’s not enough. Not anymore.”

“Why?” 

_Why? Whywhywhy_

Besides the obvious. Besides the fact that Celeste Kane did everything in her power to ruin Veronica. Besides the fact that they really hadn’t been on the same page since high school.

Because Duncan was killing her inside and she didn’t know if she had any more life for him to suffocate.

“Your mother told you that we were _siblings_ ,” Veronica stressed. Like that even mattered anymore. Like that was even the fucking point.

“She didn’t _know_ -“ 

“She threatened my life,” Veronica said. “She sent my mother pictures of me in a gun sight. Or have you decided to forget about that?”

Or forgot Shelley Pomroy’s party.

“Your mother was an _alcoholic_ , Veronica,” Duncan said. “I mean, do you even want her around anyway?" 

Veronica stared at him in the darkness, stunned.

“That was not her decision to make,” Veronica said. “Or yours.”

Veronica went for the door but never made it.

“Please,” Duncan said, his arms surrounding her. “I’m sorry. I love you so much. I don’t want anything to change between us.”

And already, with a tight hold on her, Veronica said what she had been trying to suppress.

“Explain to me the night of Shelley Pomroy’s party.”

Duncan looked stunned. Like the he hadn’t even thought of it in years. 

“If it was so loving and tender then why did I woke up naked and alone?”

“Veronica…” 

“Why I can’t remember a single second?”

“What are you saying? I didn’t…” He paused. “I didn’t  _rape_  you.”

“I’m sorry.” And she was. “I’m tired of it. Aren’t you just tired?”

“I’m not lying Veronica,” Duncan said. “ _God_ , we’ve been over this.”

“Excuse me for dwelling on a night I literally can’t remember being used as a salt lick.” 

“You believe that happened,” Duncan said, “but you can’t believe me?”

“No. I believe you,” Veronica said. “The problem is I can’t trust my own record of it. Because it doesn’t exist. That will never be okay, Duncan. That is just something I can’t get over, alright? I don’t remember what happened. Even if you’re telling the truth. Even if everything happened the way you said it did.” 

“You don’t trust me.”

“I don’t remember—“

“But you trust him.”

Veronica stopped short. Duncan wasn’t looking her in the eye and she wasn’t sure if she wanted him to.

_Do I do I do I?_

Well, that’s not really the point now, is it?

No. That’s not the point. If only it were that easy as loving someone else. If only having an affair at the Camelot with the money shot and the seedy and sordid nature of Neptune could make it that easy. 

If only there weren’t a thousand questions swirling in her head about one night.

“You don’t get it,” she said.

If only she hadn’t been sexually assaulted _._

“You’ll never get it,” she said.

If only.

* * *

Veronica was on Logan’s bed. She was dressed and he couldn’t see where Duncan was, but Logan’s stomach turned at the sight. He should have left right then. He should have rejected this entire situation and every personal stake he would ever have in it.

But there she was. 

Her head was in her hands and after a moment, Logan realized that she was crying. He stood, rooted to the spot, unsure of how to proceed.

And then he saw Duncan.

The door closed a few inches. The shaft of light that had shone across Veronica narrowed and Duncan sat down on his bed next to his girlfriend. Logan willed himself to look away but he couldn’t.

Duncan whispered her name, his arm around her shoulder as he kissed her tenderly in every place Logan wished that he could unsee. The two of them, on his bed, about to get familiar or whatever and in no reality would this ever be okay to him. 

In no reality could be calm - no way he could ever be calm about her.

“Please, Veronica. It’s okay. Just let me…”

Down the hallway, Logan felt the healing, tender skin across his knuckles break as he slammed his fist into the wall.

…

“ _I had the inexplicable urge to laugh_ . _And I didn’t know anyone else who could really do that right now.”_

Her voice crackled through the phone.

Four in the morning and still, it made something warm in him. Veronica Mars calling him at four in the morning and something was devastatingly wrong.

And he one wit.

“You can tell me,” Logan said. “I…”

The words came easily.

“I want you to tell me,” he said. “I want you to trust me.”

“ _I know_ ,” Veronica said softly.

He understood. He understood she was on the verge of a secret. If only they were in the same room. He had cried in her arms that night and this really didn’t seem fair.

“What’s it like, Veronica?” 

It had been four years since that conversation and for the first time, she was saying everything she had been afraid to.

_“They’ve killed you. They ripped you up inside. They took away your power, your choice. They changed you when you had no say. Even when you heal yourself, there’s always that scar tissue there.”_

He remembered.

“ _He took away my power_ ,” Veronica said.   _“I can’t let him destroy me too. I can't let him take me away."_

“Who?” Logan asked gruffly. He had to know who so he could kill him.

And how was that? His best friend’s girlfriend calling him at four in the morning and all he wanted to do was protect her. How was that in any sense okay? Even when he told her as much, her story kept spilling out and he didn't know how to put it back together again.

It wasn’t okay. And he knew how dangerous it was. Danger was something he could never really escape. And this time, it was all his fault.

“ _I don’t know_ ,” Veronica said. “ _I took a drink… and then everything went dark. I woke up in a guest room. Alone. My dress was torn, violated…”_

Her voice faded. He wanted to drink in her face but the room was dark and she was miles away. Her voice was sharp and he knew she wouldn’t let this weaken her. She hadn’t. It was only in this moment she was weak. When the sun came up, she would be Veronica Mars again. 

“ _I never saw his face_ ,” Veronica said. “ _All I remember are the Chinese lamps. I was unconscious. The whole time.”_  

Duncan had been there. Logan knew that for a fact. That was the night they had gotten back together, wasn’t it? And to know that it had all been on the cusp of a guest room and a roofie. 

“Someone always has to pay.”

“ _Someone always has to pay,”_ Veronica agreed.

…

“Please, Veronica.”

The door was closing and all Veronica wanted to do was crawl away. But she was on the bed and he was walking towards her. She felt the walls closing in on her and she couldn’t breathe. All she could think of was that other room looked like in the dark. How she woke up with the sheets tangled around her. 

In the dark, it would have been anyone.

The bed dipped with Duncan’s weight and her skin crawled. She couldn’t stop crying.

“It’s okay,” Duncan whispered. His arm was around her and she felt him melting into her.

She loved him. She really did. But this was something else. This was something more powerful. It was something stronger. The feeling of powerlessness. 

His kisses were searching and pleading. He wanted her to forgive him. He needed her to. 

“Just let me…” 

But she couldn’t.

Duncan kissed her and with her last ounce of strength she pushed him away, pushed herself off of a bed she couldn’t even see. The door was almost closed when she reached it.

There was a sudden _crunch_ and Veronica took the opportunity to wrench the door open and breathe in the fresh air and blink at the light. 

Logan was pulling his mangled fist from the drywall, plaster falling from his bleeding knuckles.

He cast a backwards glance at Veronica.

He went right out the door and Veronica found herself frozen in place. Duncan walked outside too see the gaping hole left in his wall. Lilly’s eyebrows were raised and she looked at Veronica pointedly.

Veronica followed Logan right out the door without another thought.

His car was still parked down the street next to hers so she kept walking.

She made it all the way to the beach when she started dialing. She glanced around, her eyes searching for him in the darkness.

She kept walking when shrill ringing pierced the night.  She turned around abruptly when his voicemail kicked in.

_To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best._

Logan was sitting on a bench, his phone grasped in his hand. Veronica trudged through the sand towards him. He threw his phone to the side and stood up aggressively as she approached. 

She could tell he was on the defensive already. His walls were up and he was about to give her a battle if she gave him one.

His physicality was abrasive and he was almost in her face. 

Without thinking Veronica leaned forward and kissed him forcefully on the mouth. His knuckles were bleeding and he was looking at her in start confusion but she had kissed him and there was no taking it back now.

He was still standing there, still bleeding, still staring at her and she wondered if she should just apologize.

“Yeah,” Veronica said. “So…”

She turned around, intent on making it back to her car where no one could see her shame. 

“That was my room, you know,” Logan spoke up. She stopped in her tracks. He wasn’t about to let her go. “You and Duncan. Getting physical.”

“Is that why you punched the wall?”

“I’ll just have Aaron put it on my tab.”

That wasn't funny in any sense. But his bravado was strong and she shouldn't have thought that he would make any part of this easy.

Veronica arched an eyebrow. “We weren’t getting physical, as you so eloquently put it.” 

“What would you prefer?” Logan asked. “Coitus? The beast with two backs?”

“I don’t prefer anything with Duncan,” Veronica said. “As charming as your vivid description is.”

“I am what I am,” Logan shrugged.

“I remember,” Veronica said. “Punching holes in your own house. For… what?”

If she was about to move even a centimeter away from him, he wasn’t about to let her. His mouth was hot and fervent on hers, his hands crushing her body into his.

And this was what it was supposed to be like. Breathless, Veronica didn’t make a move. She absorbed his dark eyes glinting in the moonlight.

“You had sex with Lilly.” She didn’t know why she was saying it, but she knew for sure at this point and it still didn’t sit well in her stomach. 

There was that smug smirk and she really shouldn’t have encouraged his ego so much.

“I said goodbye to Lilly,” Logan said. “And you kissed me.”

“Yeah.”

There was no other answer. Logan just slipped his beaten hand into hers. They sat together on the sand.

“How romantic of you, Veronica Mars.” 

After all this time, she shouldn’t have been capable of such feelings. She shouldn’t have been able to accomplish that. Being traumatized and eviscerated by this town and somehow, her soul was intact. She hadn’t thought it was possible.

She and Logan had suffered the loss of their innocence at an early age. But here she was, sitting on the sand with him and holding his bleeding hand.

Somehow, she was whole. Somehow, she was complete.


End file.
